The Value of Unplugging

 I want to talk about unplugging. I feel compelled to talk about unplugging. This is something I intentionally do, at times with greater success than others, and I always feel better for it. I am more present with who I am with, I am giving myself the opportunity to be present in a practice of mindfulness, I am disconnecting from sensory overload and an overabundance of information at my fingertips.

Over the last week, it has been made clear to me that I have failed to enforce this practice in my children as much as I ought to have. I know that children and screens are a horrible combination. I know that unrestricted access to our friends at all times is not healthy for tweens and teens. They don't know how to create their own boundaries yet, they haven't realized that they probably need to. Largely this is something we have talked about with our kids, and we have enforced tech-free time, but sometimes we need to do the thing and be more strict about it.

There are links between anxiety and accessibility. There are ties between doom scrolling and episodes of disassociation. There is a drop in genuine interpersonal relationships with the rise of influencers and ridiculous trending dances. The technology is a handy tool, as long as it is feeding the soul and making long distances feel smaller; there ought to be a warning label on these things, though. “Caution: May cause Anxiety.” “Warning: Desire to live an involved life will diminish and fade with overuse.”

With the constant ping of notifications and the steady stream of information and stimulation, the senses become overwhelmed; when that happens we get dysregulation and dysfunction of our processing capabilities. Again, I'm not saying technology is bad; it needs to be respected and treated carefully so that perspective can be kept on what is real and what isn't. Drama created by your friends from school over the weekend text chat is less real than the physical interaction you have with your family and/or friends in person.

In 2018 a film came out called “Ready Player One” based on a book with the same title written by Ernest Cline. I haven't read the book, I would like to one day, but the movie was really well done I thought. Aside from just being fun to watch, the commentary on living a life in the real world instead of living an online life was genuinely thought-provoking; it's important to live your real life with real people, not just for the friendships and support that can be found online in some communities.

It's important as parents to lay down tech rules and boundaries and then follow through with them. And the follow-through is probably the most difficult but most essential part of the whole exercise. When a boundary is enforced it becomes a habit. If a child tests those boundaries (and in our home, we encourage them to push back a little bit- it's important for them to feel empowered to speak if they feel strongly enough) you can let that dialogue happen and readjust if you feel you should; but make them work for it. Giving in just because you don't want to fight only tells the children that they are stronger than you and you don't mean what you say.

Parenting is tricky. Teaching and forming future generations isn't for the faint-hearted, and I suspect that our own reserves will run low less often if we unplug ourselves and be intentional with the little (or not-so-little in my case) humans we surround ourselves with. When is the last time you put your phone down, ignored the buzzing, and had a real talk with your child or your partner? Unless we are intentional and mindful it won't happen. And if it doesn't happen and we find our families walking on eggshells because no one is in control of their emotions... well, it's never too late to start.

No one stays the same

 Transitions and change are tricky. Even when the change is something you're excited for there are complicated emotions that like to seep out and spill into our interactions with others. When a family is going through change together it can be a challenge for parents to keep everyone in line without losing it themselves.

The key here, I find, is grace. Not the token prayer said around some tables before a meal, but interacting with each other with forgiveness. “Hey, I'm sorry I was really snippy with you there. I was offside.” “I know things are stressful right now, I didn't mean to add to it.”

No person is without blame, no person holds sole responsibility; it's just understanding and giving space to allow those feelings to sit a while and move along. No excuses, just perspective taking.

Being able to see where the other person's point of view is and how learning how to respond in a positive way is a skill that doesn't come naturally to most people unless it is fostered from a very young age. Being able to look and say to yourself “I remember how I felt when this thing happened with my parents, and I just heard my parent's voice from my mouth just then” and then go and talk it out and apologize; that takes some significant self-awareness and humility.

Growing up my family moved a lot. Growing up we had a lot of personalities in the house because the family was big. When you have that many people and that much change, even when the change is positive there is still a lot of stress. Most days everything is good, some parts of the day are rough. I remember crying a lot, missing old friends, wishing we lived in the old place. But every change that happened in my past has helped form me into who I am today; and I have to say that I'm pretty happy overall with how I am.

The last few weeks in my house have been filled with change and transitions, and everyone reacting and responding to what is coming ahead. My evenings (and my spouse's) have been spent with our not-so-little monsters talk out the complicated emotions that are expected with the big shifts that are ahead of us. No one stays the same in this life; we are all constantly changing and that is good. It's necessary. It's how we respond to the change that will shape us into the person we like being at the end of the journey.

Gentle Parenting

 The key word in the term “Gentle Parenting” is too often confused. People look at the phrase and think of passive parenting. Or enabling parenting.

The word “gentle” is too often mistaken for something that it isn't. Gentle isn't always soft. Gentle isn't often passive. It's guiding and directing in a way that leaves space, but it also can be firm.

The word parenting comes with a lot of baggage too. It isn't a task for the faint of heart. There will be a lot of times when the “bad guy” will be you because you need to be firm.

In my opinion, the keyword in the phrase “Gentle Parenting” is “Parenting.” The key to gentle parenting is to create a safe space for children to feel their feelings, but also learn the best way to show or talk about them. It is having firm, realistic boundaries and expectations for children to live and grow in that will allow them well-rounded growth and healthy communication skills.

Sometimes it means following through on tough consequences when they overstep and test those boundaries. Sometimes it means listening to the child's perspective and realizing our own upbringing has crept into our parenting and the path we are on isn't the one we wanted for our children. Sometimes it is saying no to something because that's the lesson they need. Sometimes it's apologizing for our own dysregulation and loss of temper.

Gentle parenting is authoritative parenting. Like it or not, you are the parent and that doesn't change. There are tough calls every day, no matter what age your child is, that you have to make. If you're lucky, you get to make those with a supportive partner who is on the same as you. Support is crucial, and having that support is like finding water; it keeps you refreshed and sustained.

Whether you're new to parenting or a seasoned veteran, parenting is tough. The good news is that there are people around who can and want to help you through it. Help is waiting right here for you.

Checking In

 Checking in is important. What was working out really well before may not be still. The goals you were working towards might have become less important and something else has taken their place. The once-shared values you might have had with your partner may no longer be shared as you each move and grow, sometimes at different rates and directions.

The way we fill our lives changes with the passage of time. The ages and stages of ourselves, those we love, and those we interact with on a daily basis all feed into how we live our lives. Checking in is incredibly important.

Checking in is important. Having a weekly, monthly, quarterly, and yearly pause in the day-to-day to allow honest reflection and feedback. Having a framework to evaluate your whole life, all aspects of it, and see where one may be taking space away from another. There will almost always be one part of your life encroaching on other parts.

Part of talking through a check-in is listening to the feedback. If there is only talk but no hearing what is being said, there is little point in having the conversation at all, even when that conversation is with yourself.

Talking about the present, the things that have worked well in the past, and things that may work better in the future is a practice I recommend for everyone. It keeps communication strong, it helps realign personal and family goals, it aids in maintaining a vehicle for concerns to be shared between people.

Checking in also keeps us humble. When we stop and honestly let ourselves look at our lives, we are able to see the parts we're proud of, but also the less-than-pleasant parts that creep in. Then we can do what we can to make the changes necessary to make the self we want to be congruent with the one we are.

Language shift

 I have 4 children. I work with dozens of small children. I have 4 pets, 2 cats and 2 dogs. And I often catch myself talking to the animals in the same tone and language I do with the children I engage with daily. I find that funny.

I am careful to note that I don't talk to the children like they're animals; rather, the animals are the recipient of the firm but gentle parenting philosophy that encompasses my life experience. It doesn't work the same way with the animals that it does with the humans, though.

When spending a lot of time with small human beings there are ways to shift and redirect them. There are ways to communicate with them so they grow in understanding. There are ways to foster desired behaviour and discourage poor behaviour. And always the goal is to help create children who are well-rounded, prosocial people.

The biggest asset I have found in fostering this in children is a shift in the language we use. Gone is the “You're bad.” Say goodbye to “They're a bad kid.” There is a need to separate the behaviour from the child. There are absolutely bad behaviours, actions that are destructive or unsafe for the child or those around them. Teaching and modelling compassion is important, but so is the communication for why living a compassionate life is necessary. We don't want children to behave only when they're being watched but all the time.

When we separate the child from the behaviour we are able to better able to get to the reasons for the behaviour. There is a saying in the childcare field that all behaviour is communication, and once we are able to find what is being communicated we are able to address the root of the behaviour. Sometimes the behaviour is “I need one on one time with you.” Sometimes it's “I'm overstimulated and need control.” No matter what the communication is, it needs to be listened to.

As adults, we have behaviours that are communication as well. In theory, we have developed good communication skills and are able to articulate these, but in reality, there are many times we all fall short. The trick is to be able to apologize for these times and have meaningful conversations to help understanding. Again and again and again. As long as the talking and trying to communicate doesn't stop, there is always an opportunity to grow.

Parenting teens

 While I was talking with a friend the other day we were remarking on the emergence of attachment parenting, gentle parenting, and the resources and social media snippets about these principles. Most, if not all, of these reference the early years and how crucial having a secure attachment to a parent is in order for children to develop into confident, prosocial adults. Something we have both noticed as well is the lack of teaching and encouraging this in parenting older children and teens.

Yes, I am a firm supporter of gentle parenting (even though most confuse gentle with passive; these are not the same thing), and having a firm attachment is incredibly important for the development of small humans to large ones. I know the early years are what sets the stage for how the adolescent years go. What I am experiencing, and I think people have missed in the past, is just how important these things are in the tween, teen, and young adult years as well.

A little backstory on what I'm getting at:

A couple of weeks ago I spent an hour on the bed with myself, my spouse, and 2 of our teenagers. One of them was feeling raw and needed to just be with their parents while cuddling, talking, and crying a little. Their sibling was drawn in because additional moral support and physical connection was needed. They were vulnerable with us because they felt safe with us. There was no judgment. There was no teasing (note: we are a family that is big on teasing, just not when it's important). This was a safe space. Phone notifications were turned off or ignored, all attention was on being present and existing in this space.

Our older children need and deserve us in this kind of space too, it isn't just when there's a 3-year-old who is unable to regulate their emotions and just needs to feel safe and heard. Listening and being present are crucial for all stages of raising children, and I would argue in all of our relationships. How often do we give our full attention to the person who's communicating with us? Do we put our phones down and give our undivided attention? How does it feel when we receive someone's distraction-free attention?

It can be easy to focus so much on the physical demands of raising small children and forgetting just how much emotional work is needed to continue raising them to adulthood. I challenge us to keep up the emotional raising of our children, maintaining safe spaces where people are secure and safe to feel vulnerable and open.

Following through

 “I don't think I'd like younger me very much.” These are words I've heard more than once in the last week from one of my children when I've recalled an interaction with them from years and years ago. But everyone changes.

When I look back on when my Littles were littler I have nothing but love for them. They were clever. They were feisty. They were playful. They also saw things from a very specific perspective. White was absolutely white, black was absolutely black. Except when they were trying to talk their way out of doing something, then it was amazing how the perception or reality could bend to suit their desires.

They were completely and wholly loved as they were then. They are completely and wholly loved as they are now. And in every moment in the in-between.

As I was in the midst of some intense parenting with one of the teens in the house recently, I had a flashback to when they were about 5 or 6. They had done or hadn't done something, and there were consequences for that. I don't recall what the details were anymore, I don't think they really matter at this stage. The memory was of a little angry voice telling me that I didn't have to follow through with the consequence, I wanted to. There was no one making me follow through except myself. And they were right, I was the one choosing to follow through.

But at the same time I didn't feel I had a choice. If I didn't hold myself to what I said I'd do, the child would learn that it didn't matter if they listened or not; there were no hard consequences to their choices. And frankly, I love my child too much to let them live consequence-free. Life doesn't work that way; there are always consequences – both good and bad- and they wouldn't grow into the best adult they could be unless they learned that lesson.

Always follow through. There will be times it feels like too much struggle, and there will be times when a check-in is needed; are you overreacting or is this really a battle to fight to the death; but more often than not, what the child needs the most is knowing where that boundary is and that someone loves them enough to hold that line firmly because firm boundaries feel safe and secure.

So yes, no one was making me follow through with consequence of the child's actions. There was no one for me to answer to if I let it slide. Except myself, my spouse, and the future version of that child; the one that knows that actions have reactions, the one that knows we love them enough to give form expectations with consequences, the one that is aware that their actions affect people around them. The amazing adult child they are growing into will be thankful we love them so much.