Parenting teens

 While I was talking with a friend the other day we were remarking on the emergence of attachment parenting, gentle parenting, and the resources and social media snippets about these principles. Most, if not all, of these reference the early years and how crucial having a secure attachment to a parent is in order for children to develop into confident, prosocial adults. Something we have both noticed as well is the lack of teaching and encouraging this in parenting older children and teens.

Yes, I am a firm supporter of gentle parenting (even though most confuse gentle with passive; these are not the same thing), and having a firm attachment is incredibly important for the development of small humans to large ones. I know the early years are what sets the stage for how the adolescent years go. What I am experiencing, and I think people have missed in the past, is just how important these things are in the tween, teen, and young adult years as well.

A little backstory on what I'm getting at:

A couple of weeks ago I spent an hour on the bed with myself, my spouse, and 2 of our teenagers. One of them was feeling raw and needed to just be with their parents while cuddling, talking, and crying a little. Their sibling was drawn in because additional moral support and physical connection was needed. They were vulnerable with us because they felt safe with us. There was no judgment. There was no teasing (note: we are a family that is big on teasing, just not when it's important). This was a safe space. Phone notifications were turned off or ignored, all attention was on being present and existing in this space.

Our older children need and deserve us in this kind of space too, it isn't just when there's a 3-year-old who is unable to regulate their emotions and just needs to feel safe and heard. Listening and being present are crucial for all stages of raising children, and I would argue in all of our relationships. How often do we give our full attention to the person who's communicating with us? Do we put our phones down and give our undivided attention? How does it feel when we receive someone's distraction-free attention?

It can be easy to focus so much on the physical demands of raising small children and forgetting just how much emotional work is needed to continue raising them to adulthood. I challenge us to keep up the emotional raising of our children, maintaining safe spaces where people are secure and safe to feel vulnerable and open.