Who's in the Driver's Seat?

 Do you remember the first time you drove a vehicle? I do. Or rather, I remember how my body felt when I got out of the vehicle. Every muscle was tense, my brain was trying to process the experience, it took a while for my body to relax and my mind finish sorting out what it thought of the whole “you're driving now” sensation. With practice and now years of experience I am no longer tense when I'm behind the wheel, I even find it relaxing at times.

If you have ever driven with an inexperienced driver you know it isn't the most calming past time. There is voicing reminders of what they need to do, calling out directions, suppressing the urge to slam on the brakes (that you can't even do because there are no brakes in the passenger side). There is shoulder checking because you aren't sure they're doing it right, there is calling out that you see a car/pedestrian/cyclist that they might not see or know what to do about. All in all, not often a calm experience.

So who is in your driver's seat?

It's so incredibly easy to be swept away in emotion; feel the feelings, let them sit and stew, talk about them (or not) but let them stay in the front of our minds. We like to revisit situations that evoked an emotional response from us so we can feel justified in how we handled (or didn't) something.

As caregivers/parents/educators we teach our young ones the language to label their feelings. The expectation is that once children have the vocabulary to express themselves this enables understanding and communication between the child and the adult and then tools can be brought in to help with regulation and emotional growth. This is an amazing way to create people who are emotionally aware.

Giving children words for what they're feeling is an important step; communication is integral to how society can evolve from past family and cultural systems and create new, more healthy ones. There is another part to regulation and generating emotional intelligence, and that is the ability to move through the emotion without letting it control our actions.

But there needs to be a line between feeling the feels and letting them overstay their welcome. Feelings are sneaky; they pop up and if we suppress them and deny their importance they will only grow bigger and bigger until they can't be ignored anymore. If we give them too much space they will unpack their bags and stay forever. There needs to be a balance and there is no formula that is exact in every situation.

Keep yourself in the driver's seat. Have the conversation with them, hear what they have to say, and have them move along.