Language shift

 I have 4 children. I work with dozens of small children. I have 4 pets, 2 cats and 2 dogs. And I often catch myself talking to the animals in the same tone and language I do with the children I engage with daily. I find that funny.

I am careful to note that I don't talk to the children like they're animals; rather, the animals are the recipient of the firm but gentle parenting philosophy that encompasses my life experience. It doesn't work the same way with the animals that it does with the humans, though.

When spending a lot of time with small human beings there are ways to shift and redirect them. There are ways to communicate with them so they grow in understanding. There are ways to foster desired behaviour and discourage poor behaviour. And always the goal is to help create children who are well-rounded, prosocial people.

The biggest asset I have found in fostering this in children is a shift in the language we use. Gone is the “You're bad.” Say goodbye to “They're a bad kid.” There is a need to separate the behaviour from the child. There are absolutely bad behaviours, actions that are destructive or unsafe for the child or those around them. Teaching and modelling compassion is important, but so is the communication for why living a compassionate life is necessary. We don't want children to behave only when they're being watched but all the time.

When we separate the child from the behaviour we are able to better able to get to the reasons for the behaviour. There is a saying in the childcare field that all behaviour is communication, and once we are able to find what is being communicated we are able to address the root of the behaviour. Sometimes the behaviour is “I need one on one time with you.” Sometimes it's “I'm overstimulated and need control.” No matter what the communication is, it needs to be listened to.

As adults, we have behaviours that are communication as well. In theory, we have developed good communication skills and are able to articulate these, but in reality, there are many times we all fall short. The trick is to be able to apologize for these times and have meaningful conversations to help understanding. Again and again and again. As long as the talking and trying to communicate doesn't stop, there is always an opportunity to grow.

Parenting teens

 While I was talking with a friend the other day we were remarking on the emergence of attachment parenting, gentle parenting, and the resources and social media snippets about these principles. Most, if not all, of these reference the early years and how crucial having a secure attachment to a parent is in order for children to develop into confident, prosocial adults. Something we have both noticed as well is the lack of teaching and encouraging this in parenting older children and teens.

Yes, I am a firm supporter of gentle parenting (even though most confuse gentle with passive; these are not the same thing), and having a firm attachment is incredibly important for the development of small humans to large ones. I know the early years are what sets the stage for how the adolescent years go. What I am experiencing, and I think people have missed in the past, is just how important these things are in the tween, teen, and young adult years as well.

A little backstory on what I'm getting at:

A couple of weeks ago I spent an hour on the bed with myself, my spouse, and 2 of our teenagers. One of them was feeling raw and needed to just be with their parents while cuddling, talking, and crying a little. Their sibling was drawn in because additional moral support and physical connection was needed. They were vulnerable with us because they felt safe with us. There was no judgment. There was no teasing (note: we are a family that is big on teasing, just not when it's important). This was a safe space. Phone notifications were turned off or ignored, all attention was on being present and existing in this space.

Our older children need and deserve us in this kind of space too, it isn't just when there's a 3-year-old who is unable to regulate their emotions and just needs to feel safe and heard. Listening and being present are crucial for all stages of raising children, and I would argue in all of our relationships. How often do we give our full attention to the person who's communicating with us? Do we put our phones down and give our undivided attention? How does it feel when we receive someone's distraction-free attention?

It can be easy to focus so much on the physical demands of raising small children and forgetting just how much emotional work is needed to continue raising them to adulthood. I challenge us to keep up the emotional raising of our children, maintaining safe spaces where people are secure and safe to feel vulnerable and open.

Following through

 “I don't think I'd like younger me very much.” These are words I've heard more than once in the last week from one of my children when I've recalled an interaction with them from years and years ago. But everyone changes.

When I look back on when my Littles were littler I have nothing but love for them. They were clever. They were feisty. They were playful. They also saw things from a very specific perspective. White was absolutely white, black was absolutely black. Except when they were trying to talk their way out of doing something, then it was amazing how the perception or reality could bend to suit their desires.

They were completely and wholly loved as they were then. They are completely and wholly loved as they are now. And in every moment in the in-between.

As I was in the midst of some intense parenting with one of the teens in the house recently, I had a flashback to when they were about 5 or 6. They had done or hadn't done something, and there were consequences for that. I don't recall what the details were anymore, I don't think they really matter at this stage. The memory was of a little angry voice telling me that I didn't have to follow through with the consequence, I wanted to. There was no one making me follow through except myself. And they were right, I was the one choosing to follow through.

But at the same time I didn't feel I had a choice. If I didn't hold myself to what I said I'd do, the child would learn that it didn't matter if they listened or not; there were no hard consequences to their choices. And frankly, I love my child too much to let them live consequence-free. Life doesn't work that way; there are always consequences – both good and bad- and they wouldn't grow into the best adult they could be unless they learned that lesson.

Always follow through. There will be times it feels like too much struggle, and there will be times when a check-in is needed; are you overreacting or is this really a battle to fight to the death; but more often than not, what the child needs the most is knowing where that boundary is and that someone loves them enough to hold that line firmly because firm boundaries feel safe and secure.

So yes, no one was making me follow through with consequence of the child's actions. There was no one for me to answer to if I let it slide. Except myself, my spouse, and the future version of that child; the one that knows that actions have reactions, the one that knows we love them enough to give form expectations with consequences, the one that is aware that their actions affect people around them. The amazing adult child they are growing into will be thankful we love them so much.