Who's in the Driver's Seat?

 Do you remember the first time you drove a vehicle? I do. Or rather, I remember how my body felt when I got out of the vehicle. Every muscle was tense, my brain was trying to process the experience, it took a while for my body to relax and my mind finish sorting out what it thought of the whole “you're driving now” sensation. With practice and now years of experience I am no longer tense when I'm behind the wheel, I even find it relaxing at times.

If you have ever driven with an inexperienced driver you know it isn't the most calming past time. There is voicing reminders of what they need to do, calling out directions, suppressing the urge to slam on the brakes (that you can't even do because there are no brakes in the passenger side). There is shoulder checking because you aren't sure they're doing it right, there is calling out that you see a car/pedestrian/cyclist that they might not see or know what to do about. All in all, not often a calm experience.

So who is in your driver's seat?

It's so incredibly easy to be swept away in emotion; feel the feelings, let them sit and stew, talk about them (or not) but let them stay in the front of our minds. We like to revisit situations that evoked an emotional response from us so we can feel justified in how we handled (or didn't) something.

As caregivers/parents/educators we teach our young ones the language to label their feelings. The expectation is that once children have the vocabulary to express themselves this enables understanding and communication between the child and the adult and then tools can be brought in to help with regulation and emotional growth. This is an amazing way to create people who are emotionally aware.

Giving children words for what they're feeling is an important step; communication is integral to how society can evolve from past family and cultural systems and create new, more healthy ones. There is another part to regulation and generating emotional intelligence, and that is the ability to move through the emotion without letting it control our actions.

But there needs to be a line between feeling the feels and letting them overstay their welcome. Feelings are sneaky; they pop up and if we suppress them and deny their importance they will only grow bigger and bigger until they can't be ignored anymore. If we give them too much space they will unpack their bags and stay forever. There needs to be a balance and there is no formula that is exact in every situation.

Keep yourself in the driver's seat. Have the conversation with them, hear what they have to say, and have them move along.

Hold On Tight!

 I love Backyardigans. Throw back to when my Littles were very little and we would have the DVD's on repeat some days, the songs would get stuck in my head and even now they'll pop in unexpectedly and stay there for hours.

This last week there have been a couple of those songs that have found their way to being sung under my breath from a couple of different episodes, and they have a deeper meaning when taken away from the context of back yard imaginations.

“Into the thick of it!” from the many Tarzans; they get lost in the jungle following the explorer trying to find Sherman the Worman's home and they discover they've been travelling in circles. This week, when I have found myself in the thick of parenting, and the high emotions, and the re-stating expectations, and all of the things this refrain keeps playing. Complete with the “ugh” for punctuation which provides me with a chuckle. 10/10 helps prevent some dysregulation!

When wading into the thick of teen and pre-teen parenting with the added flavour of a move and the transition into new schools and circles of friends, it's been important to keep perspective on the long term. All behaviour is communication and that includes all age groups, and where we have chosen to keep in our focus is on the value of the long term relationship. It's okay to disagree, it's okay to just itch for a fight and be pissy. It isn't okay to make your own feelings someone else's problem or responsibility, and the health of the friendship needs to be prioritized. Especially when looking at family relationships, the friendship has to be a priority. There have been times when the kids have been at each other for what feels like nonstop weeks and it is so draining on everyone. I am always so grateful when the conversations and teaching seems to get through and they start laughing with each other again.

There was a notable conflict about a month ago, complicated because it was more than one conflict and more than one grouping of children were involved, and everything seemed to overlap with everything else.  I was driving and intentionally stopped talking while the two who were in the vehicle with me worked on their communication.  Feelings statements, responding instead of reacting, rephrasing the conversation to make sure they understood clearly; it made my heart so proud! Twenty minutes later they were at it again about something else, but it was a glimmer that the effort has been worth it.  They are good friends.  Even in the thick of it, it's possible to see a path and find your way out of it. 

Another song from the amazing children's animated show that has been on repeat for me is “hold on tight!” from when the Vikings trying to get out of a whirlpool. “we can't freak out, we gotta be cool till we get out of this whirpool!” Some days/weeks just seem to pass like a blur, there are so many things we can't control. Sometimes all we can do is hold on and wait for it all to pass. The only way out is through and some days the best part of the day is when you climb into bed and close your eyes. This is for adults and for children. With the move and the transition to finding a new normal for us here it's been important for all of us to keep perspective of the bigger picture. Life can be difficult and draining, but life doesn't stop. If the best part of the kids' days is coming home and decomping the day's events, then that's fine. Some days the best part is going to bed. And that's okay.

Last week I had a conversation with one of my Littles and they were expressing feelings of overwhelm and just wanting to go backwards, back to before our move. I can remember having those exact feelings when I was of a similar age; I have the benefit of being able to look back and see that I wouldn't be the who I am now if not for the many experiences moving around I had when I was younger. I know this growing is painful, all growing is, but I see how much they all are growing and the experiences they are able to have with the moving that they otherwise wouldn't be able to have.  And so we all need to hold on tight until we're on the other side of all of this; whether that's being on the other side of the transition or the other side of this posting.  Hold on tight with all our Viking might!

The only way out is...

 The only way out is through. 

How many times are we faced with something that we just wish wouldn't happen? Or that we could just skip ahead and be on the other side of already? There are so many things people experience that bring these feelings out.

Nerves over speaking/performing in front of people.

Booking that appointment with the doctor.

Talking with that loved one about hurt feelings.

Cleaning something (often the bedroom/playroom for the kids...).

Making that move to a new home/job/situation.

It's difficult to find and keep the momentum; often it's that first step that's the most challenging one to make. But here's a trick that's worked for me.

The more you just jump in and get it done, the easier it is the next time. And the time after that. And the time after that.

Picking up the phone and making that call becomes easier the more often you do it. Going through the motions of cleaning/tidying becomes easier when you do it more frequently. Pushing past the funk of that day you just want to have over creates stronger and stronger resilience that makes the funk days farther and farther apart. The longer you put off that seemingly terrible task, the bigger the task seems and the harder it becomes to start (and finish) the task that originally probably wasn't huge at the beginning.

Hence, the only way out of a situation is to go through it. It'll be over eventually, nothing lasts forever even though it may feel interminable, and once it's finished you will have either a sense of accomplishment or a feeling of gratitude that it's finally finished :)

Being Honest With Ourselves

 When I sit down in the evening I never know what conversations are going to pop up. Is it going to be just listening as my child unpacks their day? Is it going to be inter-relationship advise between siblings? Will it perhaps be a lesson on perspective taking and seeing things from someone else's point of view, not with the intention of excusing a reaction but as a way of seeing the reasons why someone reacted the way they did? Will it be walking my child through the reasons why I said what I said? Will it be simply commiserating on the general suckiness of human nature?

The possibilities are endless and I am always surprised by what comes up. Some nights are emotionally intense and those ones are the difficult ones; the ones that challenge my regulation and my knee-jerk reactions, some that I remind myself that it's okay for me to be less-than-amazing and let my children know that my bandwidth for loving and caring conversation is low and I need emotional space.

There is something to be said for being open and honest with those we surround ourselves with. I've touched on authenticity, and an extension of that is being truthful with yourself about your needs and wants.

I've had trouble with this; I like being liked and I sometimes have said I want things, not because I want them but because I think someone else wants them. As a result, there have been times as a (now not young) adult where I have to stop and think “what do I really want out of this? Am I saying this for me or to smooth things out with someone else?” I have gotten much better at being able to assert myself and place value on me as a result,

Sometimes there is value in doing what you want because you want. Other times there is value in doing what someone else wants to do because you value them and want to spend time with them. The balance between the two can be tricky, and for some people not easy, but it is worth it – since we all have value to ourselves and place value on others.

As I sat with one of my teens earlier this week and walked them through the way they were feeling and possible reasons why their siblings reacted the way they did I was reminded of this. And I decided to share my thoughts on the subject :)

A Little Authenticity

 I want to talk about authenticity for a moment. As children we learn the nuances of how to interact and be with people and so learn what behaviours are desirable and acceptable, and which ones make others want to stay away. When we learn that being part of a group and included feels nice, we tend to show those parts of ourselves that won't raise any red flags, the “you” others want to see and take into the group.

In our very young youth we learn to wear a mask for public, the one that keeps us from getting into possible trouble, the one that helps us get and keep friends. In our older youth this mask helps secure a place of belonging in social settings and keeps you from being an outsider. In young adulthood that mask starts to slip a little bit as we age and realize that everyone else is also wearing a mask and the quest starts to find “our people,” the safe spaces where the mask isn't needed.

There is something magical when you are able to live without the mask; being who you are without worry of what people will think of you, being vulnerable with those you trust; presenting your thoughts and your feelings, how you make decisions, asking for help when you need it.

Personalities are complicated; no one is one-dimensional, everyone has likes and dislikes, and people often see what they are looking for. I remember once hearing (or maybe reading) that there are as many versions of you as the people you meet. Every person you talk with has a different image of who you are, no matter how you present yourself. The way we become authentic is that we simply be who we are, regardless of fear of fitting in, and how people choose to interpret you is on them.

I am an introvert who enjoys people. When I meet people it can take a while for them to wholly get to know me, and it isn't that I'm hiding myself; I'm just not a terribly chatty person overall.  I'm sure there are as many versions of who I am as there are people I meet.  But I also would like to think I am getting better at portraying a single version of myself that doesn't get too skewed with who I am not.

The important thing to keep in mind (I feel) when looking at being authentic at all times is to reflect on the you who you are currently, the you who you were, and the you that you hope to be. Trying to project yourself into the you that you hope to become is not authenticity- it isn't who you are. Are you the same person in private as you are in public? Can people see what your values are without you shouting it at them? How do you talk to children? How do you talk to the elderly? How do you respond to those working in the service industry when you're out and about? Do your thoughts reflect your actions and vice versa

I would love to see everyone able to be authentic in all of their interactions. I know that is based on the assumption that people are mostly good (I am 100% an optimist), but I suspect that if everyone feels safe in who they are then there really would be fewer interpersonal issues, fewer miscommunications, and a higher sense of relational satisfaction.

The Value of Unplugging

 I want to talk about unplugging. I feel compelled to talk about unplugging. This is something I intentionally do, at times with greater success than others, and I always feel better for it. I am more present with who I am with, I am giving myself the opportunity to be present in a practice of mindfulness, I am disconnecting from sensory overload and an overabundance of information at my fingertips.

Over the last week, it has been made clear to me that I have failed to enforce this practice in my children as much as I ought to have. I know that children and screens are a horrible combination. I know that unrestricted access to our friends at all times is not healthy for tweens and teens. They don't know how to create their own boundaries yet, they haven't realized that they probably need to. Largely this is something we have talked about with our kids, and we have enforced tech-free time, but sometimes we need to do the thing and be more strict about it.

There are links between anxiety and accessibility. There are ties between doom scrolling and episodes of disassociation. There is a drop in genuine interpersonal relationships with the rise of influencers and ridiculous trending dances. The technology is a handy tool, as long as it is feeding the soul and making long distances feel smaller; there ought to be a warning label on these things, though. “Caution: May cause Anxiety.” “Warning: Desire to live an involved life will diminish and fade with overuse.”

With the constant ping of notifications and the steady stream of information and stimulation, the senses become overwhelmed; when that happens we get dysregulation and dysfunction of our processing capabilities. Again, I'm not saying technology is bad; it needs to be respected and treated carefully so that perspective can be kept on what is real and what isn't. Drama created by your friends from school over the weekend text chat is less real than the physical interaction you have with your family and/or friends in person.

In 2018 a film came out called “Ready Player One” based on a book with the same title written by Ernest Cline. I haven't read the book, I would like to one day, but the movie was really well done I thought. Aside from just being fun to watch, the commentary on living a life in the real world instead of living an online life was genuinely thought-provoking; it's important to live your real life with real people, not just for the friendships and support that can be found online in some communities.

It's important as parents to lay down tech rules and boundaries and then follow through with them. And the follow-through is probably the most difficult but most essential part of the whole exercise. When a boundary is enforced it becomes a habit. If a child tests those boundaries (and in our home, we encourage them to push back a little bit- it's important for them to feel empowered to speak if they feel strongly enough) you can let that dialogue happen and readjust if you feel you should; but make them work for it. Giving in just because you don't want to fight only tells the children that they are stronger than you and you don't mean what you say.

Parenting is tricky. Teaching and forming future generations isn't for the faint-hearted, and I suspect that our own reserves will run low less often if we unplug ourselves and be intentional with the little (or not-so-little in my case) humans we surround ourselves with. When is the last time you put your phone down, ignored the buzzing, and had a real talk with your child or your partner? Unless we are intentional and mindful it won't happen. And if it doesn't happen and we find our families walking on eggshells because no one is in control of their emotions... well, it's never too late to start.

No one stays the same

 Transitions and change are tricky. Even when the change is something you're excited for there are complicated emotions that like to seep out and spill into our interactions with others. When a family is going through change together it can be a challenge for parents to keep everyone in line without losing it themselves.

The key here, I find, is grace. Not the token prayer said around some tables before a meal, but interacting with each other with forgiveness. “Hey, I'm sorry I was really snippy with you there. I was offside.” “I know things are stressful right now, I didn't mean to add to it.”

No person is without blame, no person holds sole responsibility; it's just understanding and giving space to allow those feelings to sit a while and move along. No excuses, just perspective taking.

Being able to see where the other person's point of view is and how learning how to respond in a positive way is a skill that doesn't come naturally to most people unless it is fostered from a very young age. Being able to look and say to yourself “I remember how I felt when this thing happened with my parents, and I just heard my parent's voice from my mouth just then” and then go and talk it out and apologize; that takes some significant self-awareness and humility.

Growing up my family moved a lot. Growing up we had a lot of personalities in the house because the family was big. When you have that many people and that much change, even when the change is positive there is still a lot of stress. Most days everything is good, some parts of the day are rough. I remember crying a lot, missing old friends, wishing we lived in the old place. But every change that happened in my past has helped form me into who I am today; and I have to say that I'm pretty happy overall with how I am.

The last few weeks in my house have been filled with change and transitions, and everyone reacting and responding to what is coming ahead. My evenings (and my spouse's) have been spent with our not-so-little monsters talk out the complicated emotions that are expected with the big shifts that are ahead of us. No one stays the same in this life; we are all constantly changing and that is good. It's necessary. It's how we respond to the change that will shape us into the person we like being at the end of the journey.