Gentle Parenting

 The key word in the term “Gentle Parenting” is too often confused. People look at the phrase and think of passive parenting. Or enabling parenting.

The word “gentle” is too often mistaken for something that it isn't. Gentle isn't always soft. Gentle isn't often passive. It's guiding and directing in a way that leaves space, but it also can be firm.

The word parenting comes with a lot of baggage too. It isn't a task for the faint of heart. There will be a lot of times when the “bad guy” will be you because you need to be firm.

In my opinion, the keyword in the phrase “Gentle Parenting” is “Parenting.” The key to gentle parenting is to create a safe space for children to feel their feelings, but also learn the best way to show or talk about them. It is having firm, realistic boundaries and expectations for children to live and grow in that will allow them well-rounded growth and healthy communication skills.

Sometimes it means following through on tough consequences when they overstep and test those boundaries. Sometimes it means listening to the child's perspective and realizing our own upbringing has crept into our parenting and the path we are on isn't the one we wanted for our children. Sometimes it is saying no to something because that's the lesson they need. Sometimes it's apologizing for our own dysregulation and loss of temper.

Gentle parenting is authoritative parenting. Like it or not, you are the parent and that doesn't change. There are tough calls every day, no matter what age your child is, that you have to make. If you're lucky, you get to make those with a supportive partner who is on the same as you. Support is crucial, and having that support is like finding water; it keeps you refreshed and sustained.

Whether you're new to parenting or a seasoned veteran, parenting is tough. The good news is that there are people around who can and want to help you through it. Help is waiting right here for you.

Checking In

 Checking in is important. What was working out really well before may not be still. The goals you were working towards might have become less important and something else has taken their place. The once-shared values you might have had with your partner may no longer be shared as you each move and grow, sometimes at different rates and directions.

The way we fill our lives changes with the passage of time. The ages and stages of ourselves, those we love, and those we interact with on a daily basis all feed into how we live our lives. Checking in is incredibly important.

Checking in is important. Having a weekly, monthly, quarterly, and yearly pause in the day-to-day to allow honest reflection and feedback. Having a framework to evaluate your whole life, all aspects of it, and see where one may be taking space away from another. There will almost always be one part of your life encroaching on other parts.

Part of talking through a check-in is listening to the feedback. If there is only talk but no hearing what is being said, there is little point in having the conversation at all, even when that conversation is with yourself.

Talking about the present, the things that have worked well in the past, and things that may work better in the future is a practice I recommend for everyone. It keeps communication strong, it helps realign personal and family goals, it aids in maintaining a vehicle for concerns to be shared between people.

Checking in also keeps us humble. When we stop and honestly let ourselves look at our lives, we are able to see the parts we're proud of, but also the less-than-pleasant parts that creep in. Then we can do what we can to make the changes necessary to make the self we want to be congruent with the one we are.

Language shift

 I have 4 children. I work with dozens of small children. I have 4 pets, 2 cats and 2 dogs. And I often catch myself talking to the animals in the same tone and language I do with the children I engage with daily. I find that funny.

I am careful to note that I don't talk to the children like they're animals; rather, the animals are the recipient of the firm but gentle parenting philosophy that encompasses my life experience. It doesn't work the same way with the animals that it does with the humans, though.

When spending a lot of time with small human beings there are ways to shift and redirect them. There are ways to communicate with them so they grow in understanding. There are ways to foster desired behaviour and discourage poor behaviour. And always the goal is to help create children who are well-rounded, prosocial people.

The biggest asset I have found in fostering this in children is a shift in the language we use. Gone is the “You're bad.” Say goodbye to “They're a bad kid.” There is a need to separate the behaviour from the child. There are absolutely bad behaviours, actions that are destructive or unsafe for the child or those around them. Teaching and modelling compassion is important, but so is the communication for why living a compassionate life is necessary. We don't want children to behave only when they're being watched but all the time.

When we separate the child from the behaviour we are able to better able to get to the reasons for the behaviour. There is a saying in the childcare field that all behaviour is communication, and once we are able to find what is being communicated we are able to address the root of the behaviour. Sometimes the behaviour is “I need one on one time with you.” Sometimes it's “I'm overstimulated and need control.” No matter what the communication is, it needs to be listened to.

As adults, we have behaviours that are communication as well. In theory, we have developed good communication skills and are able to articulate these, but in reality, there are many times we all fall short. The trick is to be able to apologize for these times and have meaningful conversations to help understanding. Again and again and again. As long as the talking and trying to communicate doesn't stop, there is always an opportunity to grow.

Parenting teens

 While I was talking with a friend the other day we were remarking on the emergence of attachment parenting, gentle parenting, and the resources and social media snippets about these principles. Most, if not all, of these reference the early years and how crucial having a secure attachment to a parent is in order for children to develop into confident, prosocial adults. Something we have both noticed as well is the lack of teaching and encouraging this in parenting older children and teens.

Yes, I am a firm supporter of gentle parenting (even though most confuse gentle with passive; these are not the same thing), and having a firm attachment is incredibly important for the development of small humans to large ones. I know the early years are what sets the stage for how the adolescent years go. What I am experiencing, and I think people have missed in the past, is just how important these things are in the tween, teen, and young adult years as well.

A little backstory on what I'm getting at:

A couple of weeks ago I spent an hour on the bed with myself, my spouse, and 2 of our teenagers. One of them was feeling raw and needed to just be with their parents while cuddling, talking, and crying a little. Their sibling was drawn in because additional moral support and physical connection was needed. They were vulnerable with us because they felt safe with us. There was no judgment. There was no teasing (note: we are a family that is big on teasing, just not when it's important). This was a safe space. Phone notifications were turned off or ignored, all attention was on being present and existing in this space.

Our older children need and deserve us in this kind of space too, it isn't just when there's a 3-year-old who is unable to regulate their emotions and just needs to feel safe and heard. Listening and being present are crucial for all stages of raising children, and I would argue in all of our relationships. How often do we give our full attention to the person who's communicating with us? Do we put our phones down and give our undivided attention? How does it feel when we receive someone's distraction-free attention?

It can be easy to focus so much on the physical demands of raising small children and forgetting just how much emotional work is needed to continue raising them to adulthood. I challenge us to keep up the emotional raising of our children, maintaining safe spaces where people are secure and safe to feel vulnerable and open.

Following through

 “I don't think I'd like younger me very much.” These are words I've heard more than once in the last week from one of my children when I've recalled an interaction with them from years and years ago. But everyone changes.

When I look back on when my Littles were littler I have nothing but love for them. They were clever. They were feisty. They were playful. They also saw things from a very specific perspective. White was absolutely white, black was absolutely black. Except when they were trying to talk their way out of doing something, then it was amazing how the perception or reality could bend to suit their desires.

They were completely and wholly loved as they were then. They are completely and wholly loved as they are now. And in every moment in the in-between.

As I was in the midst of some intense parenting with one of the teens in the house recently, I had a flashback to when they were about 5 or 6. They had done or hadn't done something, and there were consequences for that. I don't recall what the details were anymore, I don't think they really matter at this stage. The memory was of a little angry voice telling me that I didn't have to follow through with the consequence, I wanted to. There was no one making me follow through except myself. And they were right, I was the one choosing to follow through.

But at the same time I didn't feel I had a choice. If I didn't hold myself to what I said I'd do, the child would learn that it didn't matter if they listened or not; there were no hard consequences to their choices. And frankly, I love my child too much to let them live consequence-free. Life doesn't work that way; there are always consequences – both good and bad- and they wouldn't grow into the best adult they could be unless they learned that lesson.

Always follow through. There will be times it feels like too much struggle, and there will be times when a check-in is needed; are you overreacting or is this really a battle to fight to the death; but more often than not, what the child needs the most is knowing where that boundary is and that someone loves them enough to hold that line firmly because firm boundaries feel safe and secure.

So yes, no one was making me follow through with consequence of the child's actions. There was no one for me to answer to if I let it slide. Except myself, my spouse, and the future version of that child; the one that knows that actions have reactions, the one that knows we love them enough to give form expectations with consequences, the one that is aware that their actions affect people around them. The amazing adult child they are growing into will be thankful we love them so much.

Jumbled Together

 When I think about things I want to say about parenting and raising, children I get messed up. I start off strong but then about halfway through my words just jumble. There are erudite thoughts and methods just waiting to come out, they just need to be organized. This week alone I've started a new post at least 3 times, each going about 3 or 4 paragraphs before I get jumbled up and I find myself word-searching for the best way to phrase something. Then I find myself word-repeating and I can't stand it.

There are thoughts on gentle parenting (I'm finding there are very few who actually do it, instead they use permissive or soft parenting. This isn't the same thing at all). There are thoughts about the need to tailor-make our interactions with others (children and family in particular) because we are all unique and there is no one-size-fits-all for being in a relationship with people. There are thoughts about how to raise children daily while maintaining those disciplines when it's absolutely exhausting and giving in would so much easier (spoiler- don't give in to these urges, at least as much as possible. The cost later in life when you're dealing with behaviour with older children is much greater).

As I navigate and map out my points and how to articulate them, I hope to cover these and more. Things that make sense when working with and helping raise little humans that will have long-lasting benefits instead of repercussions.

As a whole, we aren't doing poorly. There are things everyone can improve on. Previous generations have done the best they could with the tools at their disposal. As our world lens shifts and as we learn more about child development, I'd like to think that we can add more tools to our toolbox that will help create a new generation that will continue to add tools to their toolboxes.

We can only take steps when we see there's a need to. And there's a need to.

Trust the Process

I was talking with a friend recently about my habit of picking things up but not finishing them. I'm getting better at it as I get older, and I can recognize the pattern and discipline myself to complete things, but the habit is there. There are times I will have an idea for a project and not even start it because I'm afraid I won't follow through to the end. So to avoid that feeling of defeat when I look at or think of that unfinished project I simply don't start it at all. Which is a shame because I enjoy the process so much.

That reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend years ago about knitting. I recall asking her if she knit because she enjoyed seeing the completed project, or if she knit because she simply enjoyed the process of creating. I had noticed there were a couple of projects on the go and she would pick up one or the other when there was time for it. Her response was that she enjoyed the process and then she turned the question around and asked me the same. I don't know why I ask these things if I don't want to answer them myself... lol. But it made me think that, perhaps, my endless starting of things is that they're fun and interesting and I learn something from it but then the finished product can be critiqued. And I don't enjoy the scrutiny.

How many times do we give up before we've started? Admit defeat before we've engaged in the battle? What would history look like if everyone did that?

I challenge you to take the step to start the thing that's keeping you from living your fullest life. Even if the thing is started, put down for a bit, picked up for a bit, put down for a bit, picked up... you get the drift. It might never be completed. Or you might one day stop and look back and think “Good heavens, I did it.” Either way, the practice of doing, learning, and taking those steps is never wasted. It's all experiences that we can learn from.

In the end, it's our experience and our relationships that make us unique.