Being Honest With Ourselves

 When I sit down in the evening I never know what conversations are going to pop up. Is it going to be just listening as my child unpacks their day? Is it going to be inter-relationship advise between siblings? Will it perhaps be a lesson on perspective taking and seeing things from someone else's point of view, not with the intention of excusing a reaction but as a way of seeing the reasons why someone reacted the way they did? Will it be walking my child through the reasons why I said what I said? Will it be simply commiserating on the general suckiness of human nature?

The possibilities are endless and I am always surprised by what comes up. Some nights are emotionally intense and those ones are the difficult ones; the ones that challenge my regulation and my knee-jerk reactions, some that I remind myself that it's okay for me to be less-than-amazing and let my children know that my bandwidth for loving and caring conversation is low and I need emotional space.

There is something to be said for being open and honest with those we surround ourselves with. I've touched on authenticity, and an extension of that is being truthful with yourself about your needs and wants.

I've had trouble with this; I like being liked and I sometimes have said I want things, not because I want them but because I think someone else wants them. As a result, there have been times as a (now not young) adult where I have to stop and think “what do I really want out of this? Am I saying this for me or to smooth things out with someone else?” I have gotten much better at being able to assert myself and place value on me as a result,

Sometimes there is value in doing what you want because you want. Other times there is value in doing what someone else wants to do because you value them and want to spend time with them. The balance between the two can be tricky, and for some people not easy, but it is worth it – since we all have value to ourselves and place value on others.

As I sat with one of my teens earlier this week and walked them through the way they were feeling and possible reasons why their siblings reacted the way they did I was reminded of this. And I decided to share my thoughts on the subject :)

A Little Authenticity

 I want to talk about authenticity for a moment. As children we learn the nuances of how to interact and be with people and so learn what behaviours are desirable and acceptable, and which ones make others want to stay away. When we learn that being part of a group and included feels nice, we tend to show those parts of ourselves that won't raise any red flags, the “you” others want to see and take into the group.

In our very young youth we learn to wear a mask for public, the one that keeps us from getting into possible trouble, the one that helps us get and keep friends. In our older youth this mask helps secure a place of belonging in social settings and keeps you from being an outsider. In young adulthood that mask starts to slip a little bit as we age and realize that everyone else is also wearing a mask and the quest starts to find “our people,” the safe spaces where the mask isn't needed.

There is something magical when you are able to live without the mask; being who you are without worry of what people will think of you, being vulnerable with those you trust; presenting your thoughts and your feelings, how you make decisions, asking for help when you need it.

Personalities are complicated; no one is one-dimensional, everyone has likes and dislikes, and people often see what they are looking for. I remember once hearing (or maybe reading) that there are as many versions of you as the people you meet. Every person you talk with has a different image of who you are, no matter how you present yourself. The way we become authentic is that we simply be who we are, regardless of fear of fitting in, and how people choose to interpret you is on them.

I am an introvert who enjoys people. When I meet people it can take a while for them to wholly get to know me, and it isn't that I'm hiding myself; I'm just not a terribly chatty person overall.  I'm sure there are as many versions of who I am as there are people I meet.  But I also would like to think I am getting better at portraying a single version of myself that doesn't get too skewed with who I am not.

The important thing to keep in mind (I feel) when looking at being authentic at all times is to reflect on the you who you are currently, the you who you were, and the you that you hope to be. Trying to project yourself into the you that you hope to become is not authenticity- it isn't who you are. Are you the same person in private as you are in public? Can people see what your values are without you shouting it at them? How do you talk to children? How do you talk to the elderly? How do you respond to those working in the service industry when you're out and about? Do your thoughts reflect your actions and vice versa

I would love to see everyone able to be authentic in all of their interactions. I know that is based on the assumption that people are mostly good (I am 100% an optimist), but I suspect that if everyone feels safe in who they are then there really would be fewer interpersonal issues, fewer miscommunications, and a higher sense of relational satisfaction.